Overcoming Negative Family Patterns, Abuse and Abandonment Issues
Warning: Some cursing in this post.
Throughout my life and spiritual journey I’ve had many challenges as one can imagine. The most recent one of those has been a series of events that have led me to uncovering old anger that I was convinced I moved past. Anger that is associated with abuse I went through in my home country growing up and similar patterns that were continued after coming to the U.S.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have certain family members that are toxic or that enable toxic behavior and give a pass to those who, till this day, continue their abusive patterns. Throughout my young adulthood, the negative effects from the abuse I endured led me to attract more abusive and narcissistic people into my life. My boundaries were weak as a result of being fearful to disappoint others. I barely ever said “no”. I was not self-loving and I allowed toxic behavior towards me to go on. In my early life I was left by my mother, who went seeking a better life and a way to provide for me, by immigrating to the U.S. She left me behind with a family member. My father was never involved in my life and had formed a family in another city of my home country.
I received harsh physical and verbal abuse from the age of 4 by the family members I lived with till I was about 8 years old. I was taken to a family doctor who noted my anxiety and asked who on earth was I living with because what I was going through was not normal. I suffered from issues with my self-image because my skin is darker than the family members I lived with. They constantly made disgusting remarks about my father’s side of the family and the darkness of their skin which as a little six-year-old had me wanting to have lighter skin. Nowadays I couldn’t be more proud of how I look and my melanin-rich skin. I am thankful to have moved past that part of this arduous journey, that initially left scars on my self esteem that had to be worked through.
After coming to the U.S. in my late childhood, similar patterns continued up till my 18th year. Verbal and physical abuse. Devaluing of my potential, which led me to never being too motivated to excel in school. Constantly being told I would never amount to anything and being compared to other girls. Never being apologized to for anything and never receiving much affection.
Recently, in my anger that has come up yet again, I realize that everything I went through set the tone for a deep fear of what reactions I provoked in others. So I was either very reserved and quiet as a mouse in social situations for fear of saying the wrong thing or constantly agreeing, never disagreeing, saying yes to everything and every favor I was asked. Just afraid to disappoint people and create any kind of drama. As a result of my potential being devalued, I grew a hatred for school, not for the typical reasons that some kids may hate it, but because it reminded me of being beaten for a bad grade, for a wrong response when being so called “helped” with homework, or for a failed assignment and being told that I would never succeed. I stopped being motivated and went through high school kinda trying on and off. Thankfully I graduated.
My abandonment issues stem from early life and no one really being there for me emotionally. Mother having left for the U.S. and father not being around at all. Never having anyone to talk to about the things I was going through, or being supported. I have memories of being 5 years old and already carrying deep pain and depression. I am actually pissed the fuck off writing these things, specially when it comes to writing about my wounds from early childhood. It makes me want to go back and beat the fucking piss, blood and guts out of everyone responsible. But of course that isn’t healthy, so I would much rather write about it as a form of therapy.
Narcissists and the ill-intended can smell this kind of trauma on you. They latch on very quickly once they do. This is why it is so important to work through these kinds of traumas and set up boundaries. At the latest, despite having learned to set boundaries I was still attracting people that were testing them and “poking the bear” so to speak, because they (consciously or subconsciously) could see the “cracks” left on me from my past pain. It is important to work on your past for as long as it takes to heal from it. When you have been addressing your past and coming to terms with things that occurred, their effects will lessen and eventually will no longer phase you. There are many negative things that finally no longer phase me but I have much work to do still. The amount of negative interactions drawn into my life have decreased as a result of working through all of this baggage. This has led me to have a more positive outlook and attract more healthy people into my life.
Thankfully I have grown to have a deep sense of self-awareness, otherwise I would have never began to work on these issues. It all came to me through my spiritual journey and experiences I had that were mirroring the past. The additional problems made me take a hard look into my past. In my early 20’s I was still battling deeper anger and came to a point of being a bit violent myself. Around that time though, I began to accept myself as I am physically and eventually overcame issues with body-image, I still work on keeping that healthy today, through all of the media brainwashing we’re all subjected to about body image and definitions or expectations of what “success” is supposed to look like. Meditation in my mid-20’s extremely helped with finding inner peace and diminishing any violent tendencies. Abandonment issues have began to be resolved but it took so long for that to begin. I was very unaware of how to start working on them until my toxic interactions with people and toxic relationships/friendships I attracted eventually begin to take a toll on my mental health. I have began to set my boundaries and say “no” more often, in favor of myself and it feels fucking amazing!
Emotional detachment from family also affected me to where I became detached myself. Through spirituality, once again, I started to “open my heart” and feel a deeper sense of joy and hope. As fucked up as things transpired in my early life, everything I’ve been through as a push towards loving myself and feeling sufficient within myself. Feeling full and realizing that I’m enough all by myself without needing outside approval or needing to be liked by anyone. In the last 7 years I have learned to enjoy my own company and become my own best friend! Reducing negative self-talk and trading it in for positive-self-talk instead. I pride myself in not passing those toxic patterns onto my children. Everything I did not receive growing up, I give to them! I can’t imagine doing any of the things to them that were done to me. I feel sick thinking about it. They are happy healthy kids that freely come to me unrestrained and unbound. Unafraid to reveal to me, even their mistakes.
I broke the chains of abuse and I’m moving on with my life but not without the healing process. I am thankful to have encountered it. I’m going to cry, get pissed, curse etc. but it is all a part of my recovery. I see new opportunities and new blessings on the horizon as I clean out the closet, and I am 100% deserving of everything that is amazing in life!
I am 100% deserving of everything that is amazing in life!