Overcoming Negative Family Patterns, Abuse and Abandonment Issues

Overcoming Negative Family Patterns, Abuse and Abandonment Issues

 

Warning: Some cursing in this post.

Throughout my life and spiritual journey I’ve had many challenges as one can imagine. The most recent one of those has been a series of events that have led me to uncovering old anger that I was convinced I moved past. Anger that is associated with abuse I went through in my home country growing up and similar patterns that were continued after coming to the U.S.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have certain family members that are toxic or that enable toxic behavior and give a pass to those who, till this day, continue their abusive patterns. Throughout my young adulthood, the negative effects from the abuse I endured led me to attract more abusive and narcissistic people into my life. My boundaries were weak as a result of being fearful to disappoint others. I barely ever said “no”. I was not self-loving and I allowed toxic behavior towards me to go on. In my early life I was left by my mother, who went seeking a better life and a way to provide for me, by immigrating to the U.S. She left me behind with a family member. My father was never involved in my life and had formed a family in another city of my home country.

I received harsh physical and verbal abuse from the age of 4 by the family members I lived with till I was about 8 years old. I was taken to a family doctor who noted my anxiety and asked who on earth was I living with because what I was going through was not normal. I suffered from issues with my self-image because my skin is darker than the family members I lived with. They constantly made disgusting remarks about my father’s side of the family and the darkness of their skin which as a little six-year-old had me wanting to have lighter skin. Nowadays I couldn’t be more proud of how I look and my melanin-rich skin. I am thankful to have moved past that part of this arduous journey, that initially left scars on my self esteem that had to be worked through.

After coming to the U.S. in my late childhood, similar patterns continued up till my 18th year. Verbal and physical abuse. Devaluing of my potential, which led me to never being too motivated to excel in school. Constantly being told I would never amount to anything and being compared to other girls. Never being apologized to for anything and never receiving much affection.

Recently, in my anger that has come up yet again, I realize that everything I went through set the tone for a deep fear of what reactions I provoked in others. So I was either very reserved and quiet as a mouse in social situations for fear of saying the wrong thing or constantly agreeing, never disagreeing, saying yes to everything and every favor I was asked. Just afraid to disappoint people and create any kind of drama. As a result of my potential being devalued, I grew a hatred for school, not for the typical reasons that some kids may hate it, but because it reminded me of being beaten for a bad grade, for a wrong response when being so called “helped” with homework, or for a failed assignment and being told that I would never succeed. I stopped being motivated and went through high school kinda trying on and off. Thankfully I graduated.

My abandonment issues stem from early life and no one really being there for me emotionally. Mother having left for the U.S. and father not being around at all. Never having anyone to talk to about the things I was going through, or being supported. I have memories of being 5 years old and already carrying deep pain and depression. I am actually pissed the fuck off writing these things, specially when it comes to writing about my wounds from early childhood. It makes me want to go back and beat the fucking piss, blood and guts out of everyone responsible. But of course that isn’t healthy, so I would much rather write about it as a form of therapy.

Narcissists and the ill-intended can smell this kind of trauma on you. They latch on very quickly once they do. This is why it is so important to work through these kinds of traumas and set up boundaries. At the latest, despite having learned to set boundaries I was still attracting people that were testing them and “poking the bear” so to speak, because they (consciously or subconsciously) could see the “cracks” left on me from my past pain. It is important to work on your past for as long as it takes to heal from it. When you have been addressing your past and coming to terms with things that occurred, their effects will lessen and eventually will no longer phase you. There are many negative things that finally no longer phase me but I have much work to do still. The amount of negative interactions drawn into my life have decreased as a result of working through all of this baggage. This has led me to have a more positive outlook and attract more healthy people into my life.

Thankfully I have grown to have a deep sense of self-awareness, otherwise I would have never began to work on these issues. It all came to me through my spiritual journey and experiences I had that were mirroring the past. The additional problems made me take a hard look into my past. In my early 20’s I was still battling deeper anger and came to a point of being a bit violent myself. Around that time though, I began to accept myself as I am physically and eventually overcame issues with body-image, I still work on keeping that healthy today, through all of the media brainwashing we’re all subjected to about body image and definitions or expectations of  what “success” is supposed to look like. Meditation in my mid-20’s extremely helped with finding inner peace and diminishing any violent tendencies. Abandonment issues have began to be resolved but it took so long for that to begin. I was very unaware of how to start working on them until my toxic interactions with people and toxic relationships/friendships I attracted eventually begin to take a toll on my mental health. I have began to set my boundaries and say “no” more often, in favor of myself and it feels fucking amazing!

Emotional detachment from family also affected me to where I became detached myself. Through spirituality, once again, I started to “open my heart” and feel a deeper sense of joy and hope. As fucked up as things transpired in my early life, everything I’ve been through as a push towards loving myself and feeling sufficient within myself. Feeling full and realizing that I’m enough all by myself without needing outside approval or needing to be liked by anyone. In the last 7 years I have learned to enjoy my own company and become my own best friend! Reducing negative self-talk and trading it in for positive-self-talk instead. I pride myself in not passing those toxic patterns onto my children. Everything I did not receive growing up, I give to them! I can’t imagine doing any of the things to them that were done to me. I feel sick thinking about it. They are happy healthy kids that freely come to me unrestrained and unbound. Unafraid to reveal to me, even their mistakes.

I broke the chains of abuse and I’m moving on with my life but not without the healing process. I am thankful to have encountered it. I’m going to cry, get pissed, curse etc. but it is all a part of my recovery. I see new opportunities and new blessings on the horizon as I clean out the closet, and I am 100% deserving of everything that is amazing in life!

I am 100% deserving of everything that is amazing in life!

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Too Tough On Yourself?

When making a change to old habits and attitudes we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that this change should happen as soon as possible. We don’t give ourselves room for mistake.  This undermines our own ability to make the changes we seek. We become the tough and even judgmental voices that we heard growing up, and we may lose motivation.

Think back to when you were a small child. How would you have preferred to be treated when making mistakes? Even if you didn’t receive the best treatment from the adults around you, if you could go back and interact with your child self, how would you treat them when making those mistakes? How would you want to treat your own children to the best of your ability? You would be nurturing and kind. You would be encouraging and not beat down their self confidence. When messing up, you’d tell them to try again and to keep trying because something is always learned with each mistake. You’d let them know that mistakes are not bad and they part of growing and learning.

Effort always gets the momentum going. You’ve began the process and as you continue, you’re already changing. Do not stop the process by undermining what you’ve already accomplished because of a few setbacks. Disappointment is natural. We want the best for ourselves but we may not be realistic about the time it takes. Allow room for mistake, but don’t stop and settle into old ways because you may not see anything happening yet. See yourself as the small child you were, be encouraging and patient. Address yourself positively and you’ll see results over time.

 

Standing In Your Power

When you stand in your own power you don’t fret about how someone with more money, status, “personality”, skills or more of anything, will upstage you. Standing in your own power means to have pride in yourself and what you are made of. Weather it is socially comparable as less than or more than another. In reality nothing is comparable. We all bring our own gifts to this world. I come across many people of all walks of life who are socially more successful in many areas that I may not be as successful in. I treat them with respect and acknowledge them as I would anyone else “less” or “more” successful, and it is easy for me to do that because I have overall, a healthy sense of self-respect and self-love, which I continue to work on as much as possible.

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Vixen, Source: Google Images

Working on your own inner healing leads to self-appreciation. Taking a stand in not remaining stuck in certain emotions, acknowledging those emotions, and working through them, doing the spiritual work necessary and giving yourself TLC, keeps you clear of remaining stuck in insecurity. Insecurity is an emotion none of us can ever avoid but we can work through and heal from it as new stages of being and maturity come about. Acknowledging that you are insecure and working through those feelings is essential to moving forward. Regardless of outside circumstances, you will be able to network and mingle with others peacefully when you work to keep yourself in check and come to the understanding that you are a valuable person as others are. You will come to terms with the fact that everyone is different and special in their own way. No one can take your importance away from you and you can’t take the importance away from anyone. Being empowered means that the presence or existence of others and their talents, gifts, blessings and journeys will not drive you to want to destroy them or knock them off their focus in any way. You will be more inclined to focus on your progress.

Standing in your power can mean that you will keep pushing in the face of the opposition that tries to keep you distracted from the power you have within. A lot of the time that means to refrain from lowering yourself to the level of an aggressor. Simply not engaging at all.  Everyone is powerful, some people just don’t recognize that. Truly powerful people don’t feel the need to attack, be at war with or belittle anyone.

My Troubles In Broken Sisterhood

Despite so much adversity that goes on among us women, I feel spirit has always directed me towards healing myself and helping other women heal from the wounds that we have caused each other. Getting away from the excessive pride and ego that we use to protect our feelings and emotions.
There is a balance that I try to achieve when I face the difficult situations that have surfaced with other women. I myself have fallen many times in the traps of coming from ego in order to defend myself. I remained stuck in defense mode for long periods of time. I want to remain in the practice of simply being carefree and welcoming, which is my original nature, despite any push-back I receive. I am not at all, by any means, saying to be passive in the face of blatant disrespect. But I will not let any experiences that are negative, allow me to change my overall nature in new situations.
This is one of my goals, which I have achieved in the past but as of late, have fallen back into that habit of becoming closed and withdrawn when I have been “attacked”.

The older I have gotten and the more I have done the work to increase the love for myself, the more I face uncomfortable situations with women. I have gone within to find out why and part of my purpose seems to be that I have to work with women somehow,  by directly addressing the actions and issues at hand instead of just withdrawing and “taking the high road” or “keeping it moving” as I say.  I should be acting as more of a teacher in these situations.

I have most of the time avoided “worsening” situations by not bothering and moving on. Just letting it be whatever it is and leaving that person to “take the bs elsewhere”. This in itself can be very dysfunctional because that person may need, right then and there, for me to immediately tell them how fucked up they are behaving. My whole philosophy has always been “They are grown, they should know better.” which is true but sometimes people need to hear about themselves because others have not dared to speak up on their foolishness. Then again there are times when it is necessary to not bother with the situation altogether, specially if games are being played and it is a situation in which the other party shows signs of some personality disorder, such as NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). Those are situations you need to run from immediately, as the person’s only goal is to keep you depleted and feeling destroyed and that is another story for another day.

Another issue I have dealt with is where I let my guard down for certain people, while my intuition clearly told me otherwise and it resulted in the person, down the line, becoming rude towards me out of nowhere, almost to “test” me because they thought my normal positive attitude was phony or they just couldn’t stand the ongoing lack of drama. Some people are very addicted to adversity so they seek out this kind of trouble when it isn’t called for or necessary. Just to pass the time or because it fuels and excites them. This is where my intuition mixed with that same openness needed to come in. I was only open at the time and ignored my senses. People like this often move on when you finally distance yourself and send a clear message that you’re not with the bs.

What I want to do ultimately is to continue working on these issues, in order to move on from this negative feedback loop. I want to have a better outlook as I did before and see the best in everyone else. I do have, even presently some positive experiences but I want to leave behind the weary feelings and distrust that sometimes creep up on me, the fear of letting my guard down. I am working to achieve the balance I once had not long ago where I was using my intuition more proactively. The past few months I seemed to just withdraw from everything and that is not conducive to new opportunities or positive situations. I want to get to where I am able to fulfill this calling and work with other women in the process, helping to heal the divine feminine. In my quest towards life coaching this is a necessary step.